The Good Girl Myth: Why Midlife Women Are No Longer Buying It
What Is The Good Girl Myth?
The Good Girl Myth is basically a lie we’ve all been told. For decades, we’ve been fed the Good Girl Myth. The message that we are only valuable when we’re a “Good Girl.” Be nice. Don’t be too loud. Don’t take up too much space. Don’t make waves. Put everyone else first. Don’t be too successful or make too much money. Smile, even when you don’t feel like it. Don’t have a strong, conflicting opinion.
Sound familiar?
And conversely, we learn early on, we definitely don’t want to be labeled a “bad girl.”
As midlife women, we’ve spent decades—being conditioned to believe that our worth is measured by how much we can please, sacrifice, and keep all the balls in the air. Our worth is not in who we are but how much we give. We’ve been taught that our value is wrapped up in being "good" i.e. accomodating, quiet, and low maintenance. And somewhere along the way, we started believing that our own desires, dreams, and opinions were secondary.
Don’t you think it’s time we call bullshit?! I sure do.
The Midlife Reset
One of the beautiful things about being in your 40s, 50s and beyond, you start to give less f*cks. You become less concerned with pleasing everybody else and more concerned with pleasing yourself. You realize you’ve been taking care of All. The. Things. for decades and you’re tired! Women in midlife realize, no one is coming to save them so if they want to live a life that they’re excited about, it’s now or never. And shrinking themselves and playing small to fit into the Good Girl role is no longer an option.
My Own Good Girl Wake-Up Call
For years, I bought into the Good Girl Myth without even realizing it. I played by the rules—kept the peace, made myself easy to be around, and put everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. I was the woman who said yes when she wanted to say no, who stayed quiet when she had something to say, who shrunk herself so others wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
And you know what? It was f*cking exhausting. And worse, who I was, who I really was, became harder and harder to see.
I remember the time when I finally realized just how much I had been disappearing in my own life. I was in my 40s and going through difficult conversations with my now ex husband about the state of our marriage. I had stopped pushing my needs aside to just go with the flow. I was speaking up. And that definitely made waves. I remember one time we were in a session with the couples therapist and my ex brought articles to the session explaining how menopause was the reason I was unhappy in our marriage. (Menopause can be linked to depression in women but my hormones were NOT the reason I was unhappy in my marriage.) And no matter how I tried to get him to hear that, he didn’t listen. It was then, in that therapist’s office, that I finally realized, he doesn’t really see me and it made me wonder: When did I stop seeing myself?
That was the day I decided—that I was done. Done being easy going. Done being the peacekeeper. Done hiding my own needs to be sure people weren’t disappointed. Done waiting for permission. Done shrinking. Done living on autopilot.
And if you’re reading this, I know part of you is ready to be done, too.
Are You Still Stuck in ‘Good Girl’ Mode?
You might have broken free from some of these old patterns, but Good Girl conditioning runs deep. Here are some sneaky signs that the Good Girl Myth is still running the show:
You struggle to say no without guilt (even when you’re exhausted).
You apologize for things that don’t need an apology.
You downplay your accomplishments so you don’t seem "too much."
You hesitate to take the last piece of cake, make the solo trip, or ask someone else what’s for dinner.
You feel like you need permission to go after what you really want.
You don’t want to be too flashy, too loud, or too “emotional.”
You have difficulty setting boundaries with your time and space.
You put off self care or personal goals to take care of others.
You push your true feelings down to keep the peace.
If any of this hits home, don’t worry. It’s not your fault. You were just playing by the rules society set for you. But now, it is your responsibility to challenge it.
And let me tell you, if you don’t get a handle on it now, you will never be able to design your next chapter in a way that feels good. You will only continue to feel unfulfilled and like you’re living a life that doesn’t fit.
Subscribing to this societal conditioning and the idea that our value is tied to sacrificing for others at our own expense, comes with great psychological impact.
Our self esteem can take a hit because our sense of self worth is tied to how well we meet the expectations of others, leading to feelings of inadequacy if we fail to do so.
We can feel immense pressure to be perfect, to excel in all areas of life, and to never let anyone down, which is an impossible standard to uphold.
We learn to suppress emotions believing that expressing anger, dissatisfaction, sadness or unhappiness is unacceptable. This leads to inauthenticity with self and in relationships because you’re not allowed to be a full human.
Ask me how I know.
Rewriting Your Own Rules
What if, to really unhook from the Good Girl Myth and its conditioning, we need to become a “Bad Girl?” What if we took up space? Claimed our desires? Spoke our truth. What if we lived our lives unapologetically? Putting our own needs, thoughts, and goals on the same level as everyone else's? What if we did, wore, and said whatever the hell we wanted?
Sound good? Here’s how you start:
1. Give Yourself Permission – No one is coming to hand you a permission slip to live your biggest, boldest life. You’re going to have to write your own permission slip. Mine goes something like this: I give myself permission to prioritize my desires. To want more. To be seen and heard. To disappoint people sometimes.
2. Stop Shrinking – Catch yourself when you minimize your achievements, soften your opinions, or make yourself smaller to make others comfortable. Practice standing in your power.
3. Say ‘No’ Without a 12-Point Justification – A simple "No, that doesn’t work for me" is enough. You don’t owe anyone an essay explaining why. Say “No” guilt free.
4. Take Up Physical Space – Stand tall. Spread out. Walk into a room like you belong there—because you do.
5. Ask Yourself: What Do I Want? – Not what your family or partner wants. Not what’s expected. Not what’s convenient for everyone else. Not what keeps the peace. But what you truly desire. Start making choices based on that. Stop waiting for a seat at the table—drag your own damn chair up and sit yo ass down.
6. Recognize People Pleasing- Notice when you put others’ needs before your own. Observe how you keep your own desires on the back burner. Journal on ways you can challenge this behavior.
7. Stop over apologizing. Saying sorry is a default response for some women. This can stem from wanting to maintain harmony and to be accommodating. This. Stops. Now.
8. Look at how Good Girl conditioning has impacted your behavior. Do some research. Look it up. It’s a thing.
9. Don’t hesitate to take on leadership roles. Assert yourself in group settings. Speak up confidently not worrying about backlash or how you’re perceived. Don’t hold in what you really want to say.
10. Pursue your passions. Do the things you want to do without concern about what others will think. Don’t let people who don’t understand your dreams, keep you from them.
11. Surround Yourself with Women Who Get It – Find women who are also shedding the ‘good girl’ bullshit and stepping into their power. Be in spaces that feel authentic where all of you is welcome. Share real experiences. (Psst… if you’re looking for that, come hang with us in my free facebook group, Riding The Midlife Wave.)
It’s Time to Be Too Much
Midlife is not the time to fade into the background—it’s the time to become unapologetically, gloriously, fully yourself. Take up space. Make noise. Stop waiting for permission. Own your badassery.
You were never meant to be small, you were meant to be the most expansive version of yourself. And she doesn’t shrink for Anyone!
Now, tell me—where in your life are you done playing small? Drop a comment and let’s talk about it.
Living Fully, Loving Deeply,
Karen
